10 Books for New Military Spouses

by Brianna

Did you just marry someone in the military? Congrats! Feeling a little culture shock? You're definitely not alone! There are loads of reading lists out there for military spouses, many of which rattle off the same books over and over. Those picks are ok, but we have a few problems with them.

First, they focus on the negative parts of military life, such as deployments and death. Second, they're getting old and outdated, which admittedly happens pretty fast. When I first got married in 2011, the books were about being a military spouse in the 90's, and that was a little helpful, but not a lot, because so much had changed and many acronyms had become meaningless. Likewise, now, there are a bunch of books about being married to a service member in the early years of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. The military does not work the same way now as it did 15 years ago. Third, some of these lists are all about understanding your service member spouse's world, but they don't help YOU! We're all for learning about each branch's heroes, histories, and challenges, but a list of books for military spouses should help the spouses. Some of the books on our list will be specific to the military, but several address key pain points about life in general that tend to be exacerbated by the military lifestyle.

One challenge we encountered when we went to make this list is that we would not recommend the same books to new spouses as we would seasoned spouses. This list is for the new (and probably quite young) military spouse. If you're new to the military community, you might be suffering a little culture shock, homesickness, or loneliness. Even if you're adapting well, you might be struggling to explain it to your family or friends. Read on for our list (in no particular order) of great books to help you embrace your new life.

​The links below are affiliate links, so we'll get a small bonus if you use them to order any of these books from Amazon, but we also have a free printable version of this list that you can take to the library!

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1. The 5 Love Languages

One thing you will probably encounter early in your time as a military spouse is The 5 Love Languages, by Gary Chapman. If you aren't invited to a class by your readiness person, the chaplain, or an MWR (morale, welfare & recreation) program, you'll probably hear other spouses talk about their love language in casual conversation. You can buy your own copy, but ask around base first; it's usually very easy to get a copy for free from some office or other. If nothing else, there are always loads of copies at the base library to borrow.

We've written an overview of The 5 Love Languages here, but for now we will say that it is a very useful lens for looking at your relationships, particularly with your partner. You'll notice that we're showing you two covers. The purple cover is the latest version of the original book, and the other, excessively patriotic one, is the military edition. Either is fine, as they are fundamentally the same book. The military edition has a little extra info in it for showing love to your partner through separations, such as deployments. But the rest is the same, so you really can't go wrong with either book.

2. Adulting

Adulting is not about the military really at all, but we really wish we had given it to our 20 year-old selves. Heck, we were 30 when we read it and still learned a lot!

Military couples often marry quite young. This is especially common among the enlisted ranks, partly because junior enlisted service members are usually not allowed to live outside the barracks unless they're married. That's right; there's no "living together" until you've reached a certain rank (varies by unit) or gotten married. If you're feeling overwhelmed by all of the "adulting" you suddenly have to do, this is the book for you.

So what's in Adulting? Basically life stuff that you might have a blind spot for. If every single thing applies to you, someone probably failed you as a teen. But everyone I know wishes they'd learned a handful of these lessons earlier than they did. Topics include: how to pick an apartment AND get back your security deposit when you move out, how to budget, how to negotiate a salary, how to deal with emergencies, never run out of toilet paper, and how to set healthy boundaries with your family while still being kind.

There's a lot more, but trust us that it's worth the read. The audiobook is fun; it sounds like a slightly older best friend sharing her hard-earned wisdom. But the print is great, too, because it's easy to refer back to it and you get to enjoy Brown's hilarious (but accurate) doodles.

3. Grit

We love Grit. We wish we were grittier, but we're working on it. 

Grit is starting to show up on military reading lists, so there's a good chance that your spouse will have to read it, if they haven't already. We've found reading books with our husbands and having something other than work to talk about has been very beneficial to our marriages. BUT, even if your spouse doesn't read Grit, you should.

Basically, Angela Duckworth (the author), did loads of research about what differentiates the mediocre from the successful. Her conclusion: grit. By combining passion and perseverance, you can become great at almost anything you set your mind to. 

Look, as a military spouse, you'll spend a lot of time helping to make the military's wishes happen. You'll probably be asked to move a lot, and that can disrupt your plans for your life. The best way to counter the frustrations that naturally arise from all these disruptions is to pursue your own interests whenever you can.

The advice from Grit can help you live a life you'll love by teaching you to cultivate your passions. Bonus: it's easier to find things to do and make new friends when you move, if you already know what you enjoy and how you'd like to spend your time. By pursuing your own achievements, you'll find yourself a happier and more interesting person in your own right. 

4. Love Your Life, Not Theirs

Love Your Life, Not Theirs is all about striving for contentment, avoiding comparison, and making a plan for financial success. 

Keeping up with the Joneses is a common phenomenon everywhere, but comparison is rampant in military communities. Probably because so much of our lives are the same, the differences stand out that much more. When you know exactly how much your neighbors make, it's easy to wonder if you deserve a new Land Rover, too. (Pro tip: you only think you know how much they make; the fact is that you don't know which spouses are making bank, or have a trust fund, or got a small inheritance from Grandma.)

Plus, now that we have social media, we can see all of the things that our civilian friends have that we might not, too. And I don't just mean material things, like friends owning a home when you know you're destined to rent for a while as you move every few years. We also see our friends' kids spending more time with their grandparents than ours can. 

We see our classmates from high school being honored for staying with a company for five or ten years, when we know that we likely will never be rewarded for that kind of company loyalty. Or we see college friends gaining prestige in our industry, while we have to do a career reset every time we move. 

And then we spend money to feel better. 

Maybe we buy a new car that we can't afford, too. Or we buy $300 of Halloween decorations to make up for the childhood we wish we could give our kids (even though theirs can be pretty awesome). Or maybe we put up $5000 to join an MLM we don't really believe in, so we can feel like successful business owners, too (not knocking MLM's, but they aren't for everyone). Love Your Life, Not Theirs is about money habits (which is important), but it's also about gratitude and contentment, and we all need a bit more of that.

5. Wake Up, Kick Ass, Repeat

This book is very new, and we are into it! Wake Up, Kick Ass, Repeat is not just the author's mantra for dealing with military life. It's a call to action for all military spouses.

Dr. Kendra Lowe is a former Air Force officer, married to an Air Force officer, and a student of resilience in military life. In her book, she walks the reader through exercises grounded in Rational Behavior Therapy techniques. She teaches us how to build resilience when times are good or bad. 

The examples are very applicable across military life and branches. There are stories of struggle and success from military wives, husbands, and veterans. Some of them might make you cry, but they'll let you know that no matter what you're going through, you aren't alone.

We especially enjoyed that Dr. Lowe's exercises are so tactical! There are no vague calls to be more resilient; this is a how-to manual for walking through your feelings and deciding on a healthy course of action.

6. Modern Military Spouse

J.D. Collins, Lauren Tamm, and Jo, My Gosh! Talk about a dream team! These ladies' milspouse blogs are a must-read. They're really tackling subjects relevant to the Modern Military Spouse.

The problem with writing a detailed guide to military life is that as soon as it's published, everything has changed! That's also why it's been hard for you to find one big manual for it; any that you find will just be wrong by now.

Nevertheless, there are a few things that are pretty standard over time and across branches. That's what Modern Military Spouse covers. Definitely take a look, and then go read the authors' blogs (links in their names above).

In addition to the information changing, the people in the military have changed! We now have a great number of male spouses and same-sex military couples. Some couples are dual-service. Much of military life up until now has been built around the assumption of a stay-at-home wife and mother caring for the family while the man serves.

This picture is no longer accurate (if it ever was), and many families have two income-earners. Spouses don't just wait at home, writing letters while their partner is away. We work, pursue degrees, start businesses, join clubs. No matter what your situation or life goals, Modern Military Spouse was written for you.

7. 1001 Things to Love About Military Life

1001 Things to Love About Military Life is a book you'll find on almost all the lists, and here it is on ours. It's just a great list of silver linings when you're feeling down or trying to help your spouse decide if the both of you want to continue in this lifestyle.

We will warn you, not everything in here still applies, and not all of it will apply to you. For instance, we often take for granted that people in the military move frequently, but that's not always the case. Some people spend their entire careers based in one state! And you may or may not see that as a good thing. Likewise, while your partner might get to travel a lot for work, you might not be seeing much of the world except for when you move. Or they might not see it as "get to" travel so much as "have to." 

Over all, though, if you're feeling down about military life, or are just trying to make a pros & cons list, this list is a good reminder about why it can be great.

8. Rental Style 

There are loads of books about decorating a home, but how many are about developing your unique style while renting? Actually, quite a few! Rental Style is one of the most recent, though.

Think of this guide as a hard copy version of Pinterest's best tips for renters. It takes into account limitations renters might encounter (no painting, no nails, ugly cabinets, small spaces) and shows you how to make the most of your space.

Military families tend to rent for a very long time. Many do buy a home (or several), but we've encountered people who own a house in one state and are renting or living on base in another state or country. It's especially common for young military couples to rent, though, as they're just starting out and have smaller paychecks for a while.

Rental Style (and other books like it) also includes lessons on buying furniture and homewares secondhand to save money. 
Brianna's Public Service Announcement to Newly Married Military Couples: You DO NOT have to buy a house with $0 down, just because you can get a VA loan! You also DO NOT have to buy enough furniture for your entire house or apartment at 20% interest just so you can host Thanksgiving! Don't do it! Learn about thrift stores and find your own style!

9. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

There are some things you don't want to learn the hard way. "Why do marriages fail" is definitely one of them. The time to read a book about marriage is when it's young and healthy, not when you're on the brink of divorce. 

Dr. John Gottman first published The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work in 1999. The image we show here is of the latest version, updated in 2015. Dr. Gottman is a world-respected leader in marriage research. His advice on marriage flies in the face of a great deal of conventional wisdom, but it lines up with decades of relationship research (both his and others').

Before you let another friend tell you that military marriages are miserable, or that long-distance relationships can't work, read this book. You'll learn that marriages can withstand all kinds of lifestyles and communication preferences. You'll learn that recurring arguments aren't necessarily bad, and why it's important to share your day with each other. It's just so full of good stuff that we can't recommend it enough.

10. Boundaries

Everyone needs boundaries and everyone is bad at them at some point. Some of us are way worse at boundaries than others. If you struggle to say "no" to people, or to hear "no" from others, you definitely need help with boundaries. So Boundaries by Doctors Cloud and Townsend is a book we'd recommend to any young adult or newlywed. But we've seen military couples struggle with particular boundaries over and over again.

If any of these have come up in your marriage, you need to read Boundaries:

• You go home on leave, and everyone expects you to run around visiting people the whole time, and you find yourself wishing they'd just come to you.
• His mom accuses you of withholding information, especially during deployments.
• One of you is blamed for the other not visiting their family for every holiday/wedding/birthday/long weekend, etc.
• You have family members constantly asking for money or nosing into your finances, because that steady government paycheck means you must be loaded now.

These are just a few examples of common boundary issues military couples struggle with when they're first married. The great thing about boundaries is that they're personal and you can decide where your boundaries are. The tough thing about boundaries is that they're personal, and it's up to you to decide where yours are. Boundaries (the book) will help you begin to learn about boundaries, how they work, and how to set them up for yourself and your marriage.